2020/09/10 - Apparent Suicide

 

My 11 inch Pacu jumped out of the tank last night while I was out for an hour. I suspect Billie, my dog, had something to do with it. She was all wet for some reason. 

2020/07/11 - Abo’s Pizza

I ordered the largest size pizza from Abo’s last night with 3 extra toppings. Great tasting pizza, except they gave me an extra large pizza with small size pizza toppings. Half of all six slices had no toppings at all! (see image)

Sorry Abo, that’s the last time I’m spending $27 on your pizza.

2020/06/09 - Black Lives Matter

I just heard of an account of a black man in his 50s who has been stopped by Baltimore Police over 30 times in the past 5 years. Holy Shit! If I was stopped ONCE in the past FIFTY years, I might have wound up in prison (Oh… I forgot I’m white.)

Can you imagine once every 2 months, walking to the corner store for a 6-pack and getting stopped, thrown against the wall or on the ground, searched, and possibly injured or killed if you don’t respond exactly like the police officer wants? At the very least, it’s humiliating. What’s the crime? Walking while black?

And at night time, don’t hold up the cell phone in your hand! A swat team, armed with military equipment used in Afghanistan, will fire 20 rounds into your back in self defense. 

At the end of one of my favorite shows, Last Week With John Oliver, a black woman said we are lucky black people are just looking for equality, not revenge. 

2020/06/08 - I’m starting to understand the Burka

I realize this sounds insane but I finding women to be sexy with masks! Is that crazy or what? 
At 70, I’m getting excited walking around the supermarket.
But think about it. What’s the chances that a person’s nose, lips, teeth, & chin make them look better than just looking at their eyes? And women have an advantage that eye makeup is socially acceptable for them.
So what you are left with is a pair of eyes, and a mystery for you to use your imagination.
Me… I say under my mask: “You look marvelous!”

2020/03/30 - Coronavirus Beard

Out of shear stupidity, I’ve decided to grow a coronavirus beard, basically to annoy my wife. Hopefully I will not look like ZZ Top when the crises is finally over. 

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2020/03/20 - Junkyard Dog

We finally got the results from Billy’s DNA testing. 

We have always suspected that she is not a purebred Labrador Retriever. 

We joke and call her “Fake Lab”. The ridge on her nose is suspicious. we tell her that she tricked us into spending $500 on a fake dog!

She’s a useless bum! She just lays around and sleeps all day. 

Seriously, I love her to death and have a special relationship with her. 

She seems to love me like no dog I have ever had. She is so happy to see me walk down the stairs every morning, that she looses her balance wildly wagging her tail. 

In fact, her personality is so much different than Satchmo’a and Trixie’s, my other Labs, that it added to my suspicion.

The results are in! She is half Labrador Retriever, and half Junkyard Dog.

Just kidding, I don’t want to know her pedigree, but that’s how I’m teasing her from now on.

2020/03/17 - Out of Business

Yesterday I received a Notice of Violation from my homeowners association, saying that I was running an unauthorized business out of my home. 

This morning I filed a statement of dissolution for The Pipe Man LLC with the State of Colorado. 

Just when I figured out a way to pay for mom’s assisted living. 

I’m going to have to rethink this business, maybe rent out some industrial space. 

The punches just keep on coming....